The Conspiracy
by Traycer
Summary: Jack's clone overhears a Columbinetype conspiracy during his Senior year in high school.
1. Default Chapter

Author's Notes: Thanks to Luke for inspiring me and to my beta, Diane, who is doing a fantastic job of helping me find all my errors, goofs and the gaping holes in my stories. You guys are great! 

Lastly, I am actively seeking feedback and/or reviews, good or bad, on all my stories. Please contribute to this worthy cause. Thanks!

* * *

Jack Gallagher grinned when he saw his target. Deidre Garrett was standing by the door of the school's library talking to two of her friends and Jack had to squelch the desire to do something that would totally embarrass his "little sister", as he liked to call her. Her brother, Sean, was one of Jack's best friends and their mother had taken it upon herself to take care of Jack, who was operating under the cover story of being an orphan and had won the legal title of being an emancipated minor. 

In reality, Jack Gallagher had been the 50 year old Jonathan 'Jack' O'Neill, an Air Force Colonel who had the misfortune of becoming a victim of a renegade Asgard named Loki. Loki had decided that Colonel O'Neill just might have the perfect DNA combination that would give the Asgard race a fighting chance at creating more clones for their personal use. In order to do his experimentation, it was necessary for Loki to clone O'Neill, but failed miserably in the attempt. Jack woke up one morning in a 16 year old body, with all the memories and mannerisms of his 50 year old self, while the original O'Neill underwent the testing.

When it was all said and done, the original O'Neill had convinced Thor, the Supreme Commander of the Asgard race, to spare the clone's life and now the clone was destined to live his life all over again. The Air Force had helped to redefine his identity so that he could live his newly created life in peace, but it still made for some awkward moments, like explaining to teachers, counselors and the parents of his friends why he was living on his own and how he was supporting that lifestyle.

Jack already knew what he was going to do with his life, now all he had to do was follow the yellow brick road to get there. His plans included rejoining the Air Force and Stargate Command to help fight an enemy the general public didn't even know about. This meant graduating from high school and going through the Air Force Academy all over again. It was hard dealing with people sometimes, as he had the mentality, memories and experience of a 50 year old, yet he was treated as kid because of the way he looked. No one would believe that this 17 year old Senior in high school had 30 years of experience fighting wars and enemies of all kinds, had been married and had a son who had died at the age of eleven.

There were some perks, though, and Jack was determined to take advantage of as many of them as he could. His classes were just a little easier to get through, although he would never find some subjects easy, as he still struggled with some of the advanced math classes, which he needed to complete.

One of the good things that came out of this was his new family. He had met Sean on his first day of school and they soon became friends after determining they both loved hockey, fast cars and older women, specifically college women. Sean's house had always been the one all the neighborhood children gathered at and Jack soon found out why.

Mrs. G, as everyone called Sean's mother, was a wonderful, loving person and once she found out Jack was living in an apartment on his own, immediately went into mother-mode, scolding him when he was not wearing warm enough clothes and inviting him to dinner every single night to make sure he ate enough. At first, he didn't feel right about taking her up on the meals, but after awhile, he realized he was doing it anyway, as he was always over there with his other friends. Mr. G, being used to finding stray children at his dinner table almost every night, took it all in stride and he, Sean and Jack had many lively discussions regarding current events and sports, which would bore the socks off of Deidre and Kelly, the youngest of the Garrett children.

Jack had become a permanent fixture at the Garrett household, although he usually went home at night. Of course, Mrs. G still nagged him about dressing warm and eating right, but he still craved the independence his own apartment gave him. He did stay the night on a few occasions, but most of the time he just headed home. He had to admit that the few nights he did stay over there, he always felt welcomed, which made him realize all the more that the Garrett's were his second family.

One night in particular brought that issue home to him. He had stayed late to study for a math test with Sean and their friend, Mike, and they convinced him to stay the night, as it was way too late to head home. He figured it was the stress that brought on the nightmare that had Mrs. G running into the room when he woke up yelling. She had hugged him until he stopped trembling and he knew right then and there that he would do anything for her and her family, his family.

After over a year of reliving high school, Jack was zeroing in on his current target, Deidre. He had been looking for Sean and Mike, and he thought she might know where they were. He smiled at her, then at her friends, Brittany and Claire, before clearing his throat. "Hey Deej. You're looking beautiful today. Staying out of trouble?"

"Hi Jack. Of course, I'm staying out of trouble. And what do you want?" she asked suspiciously, her eyes narrowing.

"Just looking for your brother, that's all," he replied still grinning at her.

"Aren't you going to speak to us, Jack?" This came from Brittany who had a crush on him, if Deidre was to be believed. All three were just a little too young for his taste, he thought grimly.

Yet he turned his smile on the blond and told her, "Hi Brit, hi Claire. How are you two doing?"

"I saw both of them heading toward the gym a little while ago," Deidre said. She was beaming at him now, confirming Jack's suspicion that she was trying to set him up with Brittany.

"Thanks," he replied, turning his attention back to her. "I'm on my way then," he continued, deciding that a quick getaway was in order.

"See you tonight, Jack," Brittany called after him. "Deej has invited me to dinner."

Wonderful, Jack thought, as he started thinking of ways to get out of it.

He walked down the hallway that led to the gym, dodging students who were coming out of the door. He got to the door and peered in to see if he could glimpse his friends and moved in further when he didn't.

He decided to head toward the locker rooms in hopes of finding them there, but only got as far as the end of the bleachers where he heard some kids arguing. He stopped walking when he heard one of them say, "…some guns. I can bring a couple, but I don't know if that will be enough."

"Are you sure this is the way to do it?" asked someone else. Jack didn't recognize the voices, but he was curious enough to move closer to try to see the boys who were talking.

"It's the only way to do it," the other voice snarled. "Come on, let's get out of here."

Okay, what was that all about, Jack thought as he tried to get a glimpse of the teens. "Hey," he called after them, running to catch up. The boys turned and one of them stopped, but the other turned back around to keep on walking.

"You talking to us?" asked the teen who stopped.

"Yeah," Jack said not recognizing the kid standing in front of him. "What's going on?"

"What do you mean?" asked the boy suspiciously. "You're Jack Gallagher, aren't you?" he asked, still eyeing him warily. "Hockey ascot, Senior - what do you want from a Freshman?"

"I overheard you talking with your friend," Jack said tentatively. "Sounded pretty ominous to me. You planning to shoot up the school?"

"Heck no!" the kid said, grinning. "We're planning a surprise party, well actually we thought we would crash a party with water guns. Make quite a splash, know what I mean?" he asked as he waggled his eyebrows.

"Sounds like fun," Jack said dryly. "Whose party?"

"That would spoil the surprise, now wouldn't it?" the boy said. Jack could tell this kid didn't trust him, but he had to make sure. Too many kids had already died due to school violence.

"Whose party?" he asked again, giving the boy his most fierce Colonel glare. It had no effect whatsoever on the kid, as he sneered at Jack and said, "That's for me to know and you to find out."

Kids really suck, Jack thought as he resisted the urge to slap the offending one in front of him. The kid just grinned at him and turned to follow his friend's trail.


	2. Chapter 2

Jack was still worrying about the conversation he'd overheard when he finally found his friends out in the parking lot. They had been waiting for him for an hour, or so they said. Jack just shrugged when they told him this. He knew that it hadn't been an hour, but he really didn't feel like splitting hairs right then. 

They all piled into Mike's old Plymouth that had seen better days and headed off toward Sean's house. They talked about school activities, Mike's run-in with his chemistry teacher, Mr. Batman (a nickname the teacher had earned because of his fascination with bats) and the hockey game that was scheduled for Friday night. Jack had earned a spot on the team, and his friends took every opportunity to talk about the sport, which Jack enjoyed more than flying Death Gliders. Well, maybe not…

Mrs. G was in the kitchen when they walked in and Mike immediately went to the cookie jar sitting on the counter to see if anything was in it. Mrs. G slapped at his hands, but smiled at him when he stepped back with two great looking chocolate chip cookies in his hand. Jack moved up to her and gave her a hug, which prompted her to tell him that he could have some cookies, as well. She always saw right through him, he thought, as he munched on his share.

"How'd school go today?" she asked, as she put a pot filled with water and peeled potatoes on the stove.

"Okay," Sean's muffled answer came from the refrigerator. He had practically stuck his whole body in it while looking for something. "Aced my math test," he said as he pulled out an open can of soda from somewhere in the back of the fridge.

"What about your chemistry class?" she asked Mike, causing Mike to choke on some crumbs. "That guy just doesn't like me," he groaned. "I swear he went to the same meanness school as Professor Snape."

"Hogwarts?" Sean snickered. "He does dearly love his bats. Now we know what he uses all those batwings for."

"Casting spells on unsuspecting teenagers who cause him untold aggravation in his classes," Jack added wondering if he could sneak another cookie out of the jar.

"After dinner, Jack. I mean it," she admonished him. He looked at her in shock, then gave her a bright smile as he laughed at her expression. She was standing there with one hand on her hip and the other one waving a wooden spoon, glaring at Mike for having been caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

"Your mother called a little while ago," she informed the culprit. "She says to tell you that you are eating at her house at least once a week from now on, and tonight happens to be that night. If you go over there full of cookies, she will come and kick my butt, I just know it. No more, I mean it," she threatened.

"My mom would never hurt you, Mrs. G," Mike said with an innocent look that didn't fool her for a minute. Jack couldn't stop grinning at the two and decided to sit back to watch the show.

The show was interrupted by the giggles of females and Jack's mood shifted as he realized whom those giggles belonged to, Deidre and her friends. Panic set in and he gave Mrs. G a look that told her everything.

"Now calm down, Jack. I know Brittany has a thing for you, but just go with the flow. She won't jump your bones, you know."

"I wish I could be so confident," he said as he glanced at the object of their conversation. Brittany walked up to him and wrapped her arms around one of his and he gave Mrs. G a scathing look. Mrs. G just laughed and pulled the girl off and offered her some cookies.

Jack grimaced at his friends, who were standing there with humongous grins on their faces. He flipped them off before he walked out the back door into the yard. They followed him out and Mike grabbed the basketball that was lying next to the garage wall.

"She really likes you, Jack," he said as he bounced the ball around on the driveway.

Jack just glared at him and jumped up to grab the ball in mid air. He dribbled it and made a shot at the basket, only to find that Sean had intercepted it and tossed it in himself.

Jack's mood improved as he played basketball with his friends. He really enjoyed these times when it was just the three of them talking, or getting into trouble, or just hanging out. He didn't feel so alone like he did when he first came to the school. He had missed the camaraderie of his team at the SGC, the talks they had and even the arguments he and Daniel, SG-1's archeologist, participated in. Now he had his new friends and his new family. He had adapted pretty well to the monkey wrench life threw at him and he was proud of how well he had handled everything.

They played until Mr. G came out and informed them that dinner was served and they headed in, while Jack crowed that he had won no matter what the others had to say about the subject. Of course, the other two had a lot to say about it and they good naturedly bantered the subject about until Mrs. G told them to quiet down.

Jack dug in as he heard Mike's car rev up and pull out of the driveway. His friend had tried to weasel his way to the dinner table, but Mrs. G was adamant. She didn't want to be sporting bruises, she teased.

Jack had started in on his second helping of everything when Mr. G brought the conversation around to the school's hockey game that was to be held two days later. Even though his son didn't participate in the sport, the whole family had gone to every one of the games to cheer Jack on. They had taken him on as a family member whether he wanted them to or not, and he was grateful to them for making these years much easier on him.

"You ready for the game?" Mr. G asked as Jack took a bite of the chicken he had snatched.

"Yes, sir," he replied with a grin. "I keep telling them that there's no need to play this game, as we are going to win it anyway. No use putting the opposing team through the agony of defeat."

"Aren't you being a little overconfident?" Deidre asked. "There is the slight, and I do mean slight, possibility that our team will get creamed."

"Not in this lifetime," Kelly, the Garrett's youngest daughter said, grinning at her sister. "Jack's going to dance on their graves."

"Kelly Louise Garrett!" he mother yelped. "What kind of thing is that to say?"

"Sorry mom," Kelly said sheepishly. "I just meant that we are going to win, no matter what."

Mrs. G just glared at her youngest, while Jack decided to change the subject. "I talked with the recruiter earlier today," he said. "I'll be attending the Air Force Academy next fall."

"Oh Jack, are you sure that this is what you want to do?" Mrs. G asked.

"Yes, he is," Mr. G said with a smile at Jack. "His college is going to be paid for. Now if I can just convince the other three…" he said pointedly looking at each of his children in turn.

"But Dad, I want to be a fashion designer," Deidre whined. "They don't teach fashion designing in that place."

"You know, I've been thinking of going there myself," Brittany said, smiling at Jack. "I want to work with computers."

Jack didn't say anything, as he looked toward Kelly. She rolled her eyes then made a face at him and he grinned at her thinking he was going to give her a big hug the first chance he got.

"They offer medical degrees there, don't they Jack?" Mr. G pressed on as he looked at his son. "You could study to be a doctor there, Sean."

"You leave him alone this instant Colin," Mrs. G said. "He'll go to whatever college he wants to. Besides, with his grades, he is going to get all kinds of scholarships."

Mr. G just grinned at Sean. Jack felt affection settle in his stomach as he relaxed in his chair. They were his family, no doubt about that. He missed his other family, his SG-1 teammates, but he wasn't alone and that was what counted. He had been alone so many times in his life and had endured the loneliness, yet he always seemed to find someone to fill in the gaps – Sarah and Charlie, Daniel and Skaa'ra, then Sam and Teal'c. He was glad for them even as he watched his new family argue and tease each other.

Dinner was finally over and he got up to help Sean clear the table. Rules of the household included the men and boys clearing the table while the women and girls stacked the dishwasher and cleaned the kitchen. Jack was actually glad to do something to help as they were feeding him nearly every night.

He left over an hour later to return to his apartment. He grinned as he remembered Kelly's squeal as he snuck up behind her to give her that hug he promised himself he would. She had laughed with him, as he sat down to help her with her history homework.

He walked into his apartment, turning on the light and headed for the kitchen. He grabbed a carton of orange juice from the refrigerator, drinking it straight from the container. Why dirty a glass that he was just going to have to wash, he thought, as he sat down on a chair in his living room.

He turned the TV on, but really didn't focus on it. His mind went back to that conversation he'd overheard earlier that day. Should he follow up on it? Should he report it? According to the kid he'd talked to, they were just planning to raid a party with water guns. But what if it was something more sinister? He tried to remember back to the moment he'd heard the conversation, thinking back on whether he'd had any misgivings at the time. His instincts, honed by over 30 years in the military, would have alerted him if trouble was brewing, wouldn't they?

He mulled over the subject for some time, before finally getting up to go to bed. He had decided that he would talk to someone about it tomorrow. Let them decide if this was something to be followed up on. He got into bed and fell asleep, dreaming about Skaa'ra and a swirling blue portal that had taken him to places most people could only imagine. In this dream, it had taken him to a planet being swallowed up by a black hole….


	3. Chapter 3

The Garrett's kitchen was bathed in bright sunlight when Jack walked in. "Morning, Mrs. G," he said to the woman standing at the sink. 

"Morning, Jack. Had breakfast?" she asked, as sent him a smile.

"Yes, ma'am," he grinned back at her. "Frosted Flakes never tasted better," he added, as he rubbed his stomach.

She frowned at him and handed him a piece of toast that she had just buttered. "All that sugar is not good for you, you know."

"I know, I know. But I like it," he said, wondering what she would have said if she knew about all the Fruit Loops he ate during that time loop. He still couldn't even pick up a box of that cereal, let alone eat any of it. He had been so sick of it by the time they were able to convince Malakai to put a stop to all that looping. He supposed there was an irony in there somewhere that he was eating Fruit Loops during a time loop. Stop it, Jack, he thought as he shook his head.

"I can make you some eggs," she said, apparently deciding to forgive him as she reached over and pushed his hair off of his forehead. "Wouldn't be any trouble."

"Not hungry, Mrs. G, really," he said. "Besides, I'll be late for school."

"Alright," she said as she sighed. "I just want to make sure you eat right." She stopped and gave him a suspicious look, "You are, aren't you?" she continued.

"Are you kidding?" asked Jack. "You wouldn't believe the food I ate for dinner last night. Chicken and potatoes and half the contents of your cupboards," he grinned at her. "I was sick for a week!"

"You do know how to exaggerate," she laughed. "Go to school already!"

Mike walked in at that moment and gratefully took the piece of toast he was offered. That woman loved to feed people, Jack thought fondly.

* * *

Jack had not forgotten his decision to talk to someone at the school about the conversation he'd overheard, and resolved to do so as soon as Coach Creighton let him leave. The Coach had cornered him the moment he got on the school grounds and dragged him off to the locker room where all the other players were huddled. He endured a pep talk and promised to be at the rink at 4:00 p.m. sharp to practice, before running off to his first class. The teacher had been informed he would be late, but she glared at him anyway as he made his way to his seat.

Two hours later, he was immersed in a political science test and had forgotten all about his resolve to talk to someone about the conversation. In fact, he didn't remember the conversation at all. Brittany and Clair had taken it upon themselves to follow him around everywhere, apparently deciding on using a more direct approach to win his attention. It took all his concentration to stay one step ahead of them. He worked through the test, all the while devising his own strategy in avoiding them.

His strategy worked to a point. He had gotten his friends involved in creating diversions and covering him as he ran the other way. He hadn't earned the rank of a Colonel in the United States Air Force for nothing. Unfortunately, he had to show up for practice, and the girls knew it. He was stuck listening to them cheer for him as he practiced with his teammates, all the while devising ways to get even with the girls as his teammates teased him about his 'girlfriends'.

It was a brutal practice session, but Jack knew it had to be. He really wanted to win that game the next night and he was glad the Coach put him through all that. He was tired by the time they reached Sean's house, but he still went in to see if there was anything left of dinner. He should have known there would be and he gulped down the food Mrs. G laid out for all three of them.

Going home afterward, Jack headed straight for bed. He had finished an essay that was due the next day while still at the Garrett's and he was able to fall asleep almost immediately.

Jack couldn't help getting caught up in the excitement that hung in the air as he went through his classes the next day. This game was an important one for the school and everyone wanted to win. Classmates and people he didn't even know came up to him to encourage him and he started to feel the pressure. He wasn't, by any means, the best player on the team and he soon found out that all his teammates were going through the same thing.

His classes passed in a daze and he was still avoiding the 'teenage terrors', Brittany and Claire, who had recruited Deidre in their diabolical scheme. Moving through the gym toward the locker room to get ready for the game, he passed the bleachers where he had heard the conversation about the guns. It all came back to him and he knew he had to talk to someone soon. He decided to search out the Coach to tell him. He found him soon enough, only to be escorted to the lockers by a highly anxious Coach who insisted he get his ass in gear. Jack figured that he would talk to the Principal or a teacher at the first opportunity and headed for his locker.

* * *

Tensions were high in the arena when Jack skated onto the rink. He skated a few laps and grinned when he saw his 'family' in the stands cheering and waving at him. He waved back and turned to skate back toward his Coach. 

He almost fell over in shock when he got to the bench. Brittany was standing close by and he gaped at her outfit. She had chosen a cream colored shirt that had a neckline that went almost to her navel, which emphasized some pretty impressive assets. Her jeans appeared to be painted on and he knew without a doubt she was setting up the board to play this game her way. He took a deep breath, still staring at her chest, and forced himself to skate to the opposite end of the bench. He hazarded a glance her way and she smiled at him slyly. He turned his head quickly and started searching the stands for Mrs. G, his lifeline. Where the hell was she, he mused as he tried to remember what part of the arena he had seen her in. His mind seemed to have gone to mush.

"Good luck, Jack," he heard Brittany say as she moved up behind him. He turned and found himself looking at her cleavage again before she reached for him and pulled him into a kiss. He vaguely heard the hoots, catcalls and whistles as he tried to push her away from him. Wow, he thought as he stared at her face. She smiled at him once again and moved off to sit with her friends in the bleachers. He couldn't help but think she had made some points among her friends, not to mention with him, before he turned his attention back onto the ice.

To Jack's relief, the game finally got underway and he turned all his concentration on his moves. He relished in this, he loved playing this sport and he soon forgot all about the girl/woman he couldn't possibly get involved with. She was a teenager, for crying out loud!

Jack's team was winning when the lights went out. There were a few screams throughout the arena and Jack felt pain as he skated right into a wall, completely missing the puck he was chasing. The lights came back on a few seconds later, and the silence that filled the arena was soon filled with sounds as people started to feel relief. Jack got up off the floor and skated over to where his teammates were milling about, all wondering what had happened.

Jack, on the other hand was worried. His instincts were working on high speed as he realized that there was something more going on than just the lights going out. He started scanning the area, his eyes searching every single movement. He noticed that the two coaches were having a heated discussion in one corner, people in the stands were talking amongst themselves, the Garretts were looking his way, and the Principal was standing over by the arena's door, talking animatedly with some people. Jack kept scanning, his eyes not missing a detail, and he knew he had found his target when he saw the kid from the other day standing with his friend just behind the gated opening of the rink. The kid glanced back at his friend, then they moved away from the gate and the rink.

Jack made up his mind and skated over to the gate to follow the two boys. He didn't see them right away and was so intent on finding them that he was shocked when the sound of an automatic weapon filled the room. He dropped down to his knees, holding his hockey stick like a weapon, looking around and trying to hear anything that would help him find his target. He gave up on listening as the screams filling the arena obliterated any chance of hearing anything else. He looked up into the stands and grimaced as he saw the panic swelling through the people in the bleachers. Someone was going to get hurt by the stampede alone, he thought.

He looked over to the side and noticed the Coach waving at him to get over there, yelling words that he couldn't hear over the noise of the crowd. He got up to skate over to his teammates when he felt pain as a bullet hit him in the shoulder. He tried to see who shot him even as he fell, instinctively looking in the direction the bullet came from. He saw the face of the kid's friend grinning at him from behind a rifle and Jack knew that he had been chosen specifically as a target. Probably because he was stupid enough to confront the little bastards, he thought.

To hell with this crap, he told himself. He got up off of the ice and started skating toward the shooter, zigzagging his way back and forth to avoid getting shot again. The boy's eyes widened as he realized what Jack was doing and he put the rifle back to his shoulder to take him out for good this time.

Jack had other ideas, though. He ducked just as the gun went off and swung his hockey stick like a bat to knock the boy off his feet. The ruse worked and the kid went flying as he dropped the gun. Jack made a move for the rifle, but the kid had gotten to his feet and dove for it himself. They collided, both grabbing the gun at the same time, as Jack looked up to see the hatred flaring in the boy's eyes. It was something Jack was used to, having seen hatred in the eyes of many enemies during his years as a soldier. It bothered him that this kid had come to know such hatred, though. He was so young.

Jack steeled his resolve and yanked hard on the gun, it went off and the shot went wild, but Jack was determined not to let go. He continued to fight the kid and pulled the gun away when he got help from a man in the crowd. The boy was kicking and screaming while the man held him and Jack nodded at the stranger before moving back out on the ice.

The people in the arena were still screaming and trying to get out of there, when Jack skated out toward the middle of the ice. He could hear shots ringing out over the sounds of the crowd, as he continued to scan the arena. He held the rifle in one hand, his hockey stick in the other and he began looking for the other kid. He jerked his head back to the man who helped him when he heard more gunshots and screams coming from that area. Apparently, the kid had a pistol in his pocket or something, because the man was lying on the floor in a pool of blood. He looked around and saw that there were people huddled at one end of the rink, while there was utter chaos in the stands.

He stopped searching as his mind registered an immediate danger and turned slowly to face the kid who was standing there watching him. The kid was grinning, a semi automatic in one hand and a pistol in the other. The boy wanted to die, Jack thought, as he watched him standing there.

"Get down," he heard someone yell, but Jack wanted to help this kid. He knew all too well where that kid was at right now. He had been there before and his struggles to free himself from the wrenching fear and loneliness had been hard, almost overwhelming. Those months in Iraq when he was held prisoner, beaten, degraded and humiliated beyond belief had him going through the same thing this child was going through. The times and circumstances may have been different, but Jack remembered and he wanted to help this kid get through it.

"It doesn't have to end this way," he said as he moved slowly over the ice toward the kid.

"Yes, it does," the boy answered defiantly. "They hate me, all of them," he said as he swept his arm to indicate the world at large. "Every time I think I will get a break, everything comes apart. Not this time, though," he continued staring at Jack. "This time, whatever happens will happen my way!"

"What will it accomplish?" Jack asked the boy, as he skated even closer to him. "What if you survive anyway? You'll end up in some prison or sanitarium, facing even more loneliness and degradation. If you die, you will be remembered as a monster, your family haunted by the thought of what you've done, your whole life having been a meaningless void. Nothing will make you a hero, something to be adored by others. Trust me, I know."

"That's not what I want," the boy said, as his defiant look faltered. "I want to pay them all back, make them sorry they ever hurt me," he said, the intense anger creeping back into his voice as he spoke the words.

"What did I do to you? You came at me deliberately," Jack accused. "I didn't even know you."

"You had me worrying for two days straight that you would tell someone. You didn't, though, did you? Why not?" The child sneered. "You could have stopped this, you know."

Jack didn't answer him, his anger at the child and at himself too intense and he didn't trust himself to speak. The boy was right and that man over there was hurt, possibly dead because he hadn't told anyone. Jack knew that this was not the time to dwell on this and he turned his attention back to the boy with the huge grin on his face. Jerk thinks he has me over a loop, he thought nastily.

"Nice try," he said, and was pleased to see the kid's smile disappear. "You're the one who pulled the trigger, not me. I'll have no regrets," he lied. "Put down the guns and let's talk this over."

"No way," the boy said hitching the semi-automatic higher. "It was nice talking to you," he said as he pulled the trigger.

Jack had seen it coming and fell to the ground to avoid getting hit. The boy didn't wait around for Jack to hit him with the stick again, instead he ran to his left a few feet then turned to fire the gun at Jack again. Jack had already been on the move and the bullet missed. The kid then turned his gun on the people huddled on the ice and opened fire. Jack swung the stick again and hit the kid square in the chest, knocking his arm up with bullets spraying the ceiling. Jack hit him one more time, causing the boy to drop his gun and fall over to clutch his ribs. He then swung the stick again to hit the gun, sliding it over to a cop who had just entered the rink.

The boy was just as determined as Jack was, though, as he realized he was beaten. Jack didn't have time to react when the boy raised the pistol and put a bullet into his own brain.


	4. Chapter 4

The sky was gray and the wind had picked up as the mourners stood around the graveside. They were laying Sean Garrett to rest and Jack couldn't help but think that the weather was reflecting his own mood. He stood there, dressed in a new black suit, his arm in a sling, with Mike and his parent on one side and the Garretts on the other. Jack flinched when Mr. G touched his good arm. He didn't want the man's sympathy, especially since he didn't think he could give any back. His grief and his guilt were overwhelming him and he needed space in order to deal with it. 

The world thought of him as a hero and he wanted to spit in their faces. He was no more a hero than the men who had charged into the arena intent on taking control of the situation, albeit a little too late. Sean was dead, Jack being a hero hadn't saved him nor would it bring him back. He grimaced as he thought about the media pestering him for interviews and pictures, which he refused to participate in. He was not a hero!

He found out later that the people huddled on the ice were the Garretts and others who were trying to save Sean's, and Deidre's life. The other shooter had headed toward that end of the arena and Sean felt it was his duty to try to stop him. The boy had peppered the stands and the people fleeing over the ice with bullets, one hitting Deidre in the chest, while Sean had been shot in the head. When it was all said and done, four people had died and seven were wounded, all because Jack didn't tell anyone what he had overheard. His own wound had only been a scratch, but Deidre was still in the hospital and would be for a few more days.

He heard Mrs. G sob and he looked over at the woman he had come to know as his foster mother and true friend. He wanted to comfort her as she had done that night he woke from a nightmare, but he was afraid she would push him away. It was his fault Sean was dead and Jack could not get over the guilt.

He thought of his son, Charlie, and how Sara had forgiven him, still not sure he understood why she did. He still blamed himself for that unnecessary death, just as he did for this one. Both children were dead because of him, two young lives ended because of his carelessness.

The preacher droned on about the virtues of Sean's life and about the tragedy the community was facing, while Jack tried to make sense of the decisions he'd made over the past week. Why didn't he report that conversation he'd overheard? Why didn't he do something to stop the whole thing before it happened? He hated regrets, and although he knew he would not dwell on them for too long, he spent a good deal of time on this particular one.

He had nearly killed himself because of the regret and guilt he felt over Charlie's death, but he had learned that there was more to life than his own pain. To dwell on these regrets only served to destroy everything Charlie and Sean wanted out of life. Neither would want Jack to destroy himself, his friend, Skaa'ra had taught him that, with his loyalty and willingness to please.

The snow that had been threatening to fall all morning finally did as they walked away from the gravesite. Kelly's face was hidden in her father's coat and Jack noticed that Mrs. G was wiping the tears from her face. He took one last look at his friend's grave before joining the others at the car.

The ride back to the house was quiet, punctuated only by Kelly's sobs and Mrs. G's sniffles. Mike had gotten permission to ride with them and he sat in the back seat trying to calm Kelly. Jack could only stare out the window thinking of all the children he knew and lost. "Could you stop here?" he asked Mr. G as they drove past another cemetery.

Mr. G. looked at him through the rearview mirror questionably, but turned into the cemetery when Jack didn't elaborate.

"Any place in particular?" he asked when they pulled into the drive.

"No. Right here would be fine," Jack said, wanting to be alone.

"We'll drive you to it," Mrs. G said through her tears, her concern for Jack overriding her own sadness.

His heart swelled with an emotion that he didn't want to admit to for the woman who had taken it upon herself to be a surrogate mother to him. He was responsible for her son's death and she still cared for him. He blinked away the tears that threatened to fall and gave them the directions. They arrived at his destination and he got out to walk up the small hill to the grave.

Sara had been keeping it up, he noticed. He squatted down to see the gravestone, memories sweeping over him of that funeral and the months afterward. He remembered the guilt and the hatred he felt toward himself, the desire to end it all, but not quite able to pull the trigger. He hadn't been strong enough to do it, the will to live outweighing the desire to die. The same desire to live that had gotten him through countless dangerous missions.

He stayed at the gravesite for awhile, remembering the loss of that young life and the long road to healing his heart. He thought of the young man he met on Abydos who helped him to understand that there were other young lives out there that needed him, that could love him and he realized in that moment that Sean was a lot like Skaa'ra in his loyalty and his ready smile. He smiled as he realized that both Skaa'ra and Sean were already helping him heal from beyond the grave.

"Jack?" Mrs. G called from behind him, causing him to jump at the sound. "You okay?"

"Yes," he nodded giving her a small sad smile. He stood up and was surprised when she reached over and wiped the tears from his face, tears he didn't even realize were there. "Who was he?' she asked as she linked her arm in his.

"A cousin," he lied. "Shot himself with his father's gun."

She gave a small nod and stared at the headstone. "You both were near the same age," she said, still staring at the headstone. "Were you close?"

"Yeah, really close," he said, then cleared his throat as he heard the catch in his voice.

"His father never forgave himself," he said quietly as he looked out over the graves.

"It wasn't your fault, Jack," she said and Jack whipped his head around to stare at her. Did she know?

"You couldn't have known that those boys were really going to go through with it," she continued with a puzzled frown. She stared at him for a few seconds then put her other hand out to touch his face. "You did your best to stop them. More than you would be expected to do. Colin and I don't blame you at all."

Jack stood there staring at Charlie's grave, not saying anything. Not able to speak through the fresh wave of grief. He wished he could make things different.

"Please don't blame yourself for this. It's not your fault."

"There is so much hatred in this world," he finally spoke. "So much anger. Whether it's the adults killing each other in wars or the children with their parents' guns, it will never change. We try to stop it, but we don't."

She didn't say anything and Jack turned to see the tears falling from her eyes. He put his arms around her and hugged her, her tears flowing freely into his jacket. They stood there for a moment, with the snow falling softly around them, and he held her tightly as she cried for her son. He marveled at her strength as he realized she was standing there comforting him in his grief while her heart was broken, destroyed by a 14 year old maniac.

"You are so wise for your years," she told him as she moved away from him, wiping futilely at her tears and staring into his eyes. "Sometimes I think you are a thirty year old in a seventeen year old body. I suppose you had to grow up fast because of all the tragedies in your life," she nodded at Charlie's headstone, "your cousin, your parents and now your best friend. You don't have to take on all the troubles of the world, Jack. Let other's help you or do it for you."

Jack wanted to tell her that there was more to it, that there were a lot more tragedies in his life, but he also realized that she was right. He was not responsible for all the bad things in his life, he just needed to let go of some of the guilt. He could do it, he knew he could. He stared at Charlie's headstone one last time, shook his head and turned to follow another of his saviors.

He glanced over to the left as he walked toward the car and saw a man standing a little way off, his hands stuck deep in his pockets, watching him, and Jack wondered what brought him to the cemetery on a day like this.

"Give me just a few more minutes," he told Mrs. G quietly. "I'll be right back," he continued as he stared at his old friend.

He walked toward the man dressed in Air Force dress blues, feeling a grin coming to his lips as he got closer. It was good to see him.

"I had a feeling you'd come by here today," George Hammond said as Jack walked up to him. "I heard about your friend and I'm real sorry for your loss, son. I'm proud of what you did, though. You saved a lot of lives there that day."

"I could have prevented it, you know," Jack said quietly, staring into the older man's eyes. "I had heard those boys talking about it earlier, but didn't pay too much attention to the danger they posed. I should have done something then." His eyes showed his grief as he turned to stare off toward Charlie's grave.

"Life goes on for people like us, Jack," George said. "No matter what we do, the good and the bad, it just keeps marching on. The hard part is learning to live with our decisions."

"Yeah," Jack said softly. "I've learned all about that throughout the years. Some decisions are just harder to live with."

George nodded in agreement. "Your new family?" he asked as he stared at the people standing by the car.

"So to speak," Jack nodded. "They've sort of adopted me. I can't complain too much, though," he continued as a smile came to his face. "That woman sure can cook."

George gave him a relieved smile and Jack realized that George had come here because he was worried about his old friend. That thought tugged at him and reminded him of his other friends, the ones he had to leave behind. "How are things in the real world?" he asked.

"Everyone is doing just fine," George said knowing exactly what Jack was asking. "They're holding down the fort and keeping this world safe."

"That's good," Jack said. "I miss my old teammates," he said, putting his hand in his pocket and looking away. "Daniel still causing headaches?" he asked.

"Sure is," George replied with a smile. "Same as always."

"Thanks for coming here, sir." Jack said with feeling. "I know it took you away from something important."

"This was important to me, Jack," George said. "I needed to make sure you were doing okay."

"I'll survive. I always do."

"Yes, you do. How is it you always survive? I'm glad you do, just never could figure out how you do it every single time."

"Someone must like me," Jack said, grinning at his friend. His smile disappeared as he thought of those who didn't make it. "Too bad I couldn't share the wealth," he snarled, looking over at Charlie's grave.

George didn't respond, he just put his hand on Jack's shoulder offering friendship and understanding to help ease his pain. Jack nodded at his friend and held out his hand, "I'm glad you came here today," he said. "It means a lot to me."

"I'm glad I came," George said, as he took Jack's hand and shook it.

Jack turned and walked away, leaving his past behind him once again. He headed toward the car where a man stood comforting a weeping woman, a teenage boy sat sideways in the back seat with his feet on the ground and a young girl stood next to the car with her back to him, staring off into space. He knew these people, was loved by them and he wanted to help them as much as they helped him.

He walked up to the car not stopping until he got to Kelly. He grabbed her and picked her up from behind, swung her around and set her back down facing him. The look of surprise on her face turned to a small grin as she saw him, and he pulled her into his arms, hugging her until she squealed that she couldn't breathe. He let her go and was heartened to see her smile, even though the tears were still flowing down her cheeks and he knew right then and there what his new mission was. He was going to help his family get through this, one way or the other.


	5. Epilogue

Author's Note: I want to apologize in advance for switching gears – telling the story in Jack's point of view for the main story, to Mrs. Garrett's and back to Jack's again in the Epilogue. I hope it doesn't cause too much confusion.

**

* * *

The Gift – Mrs. Garrett's point of view **

The air is sweet and my garden is flourishing, Spring is finally here. I love this time of year when everything seems new, fresh and alive. I look out my window and my gaze goes directly to the tree we planted last Fall to memorialize my son, Sean, who was murdered when a few boys he went to school with "went postal," as Sean's friend, Jack, puts it.

I always have to smile when I think of Jack. He came into our lives a few years ago and my heart went out to him when I found out that he had been orphaned when his parents had died in a terrible accident, leaving him to face the world alone at the tender age of 16. He fought for, and won, the legal status of emancipated minor before moving to Colorado Springs to settle down. He and Sean met on Jack's first day at school and Sean brought him home, as that is what all my children do. My home has become Grand Central Station for neighborhood kids; several of them were coming or going all the time. I admit I am happy about it. I love children, the more that come to my house, the merrier.

Jack looked so lost and alone when he came home from school with Sean. He was aloof and took great pains in thinking about his words before speaking, causing me to think he was hiding something. Yet, I could tell that he needed someone to help him conquer the loneliness he was going through and I was determined that I would be the one to help him open up to others.

I look at the package in my hands. It's a book that I had made to give to Jack as a graduation gift. He was the one who encouraged me to write it. It was a tool to win my battle over the grief I experienced when my son died. I can still remember the night Jack gave the journal to me.

It had been three days after Sean's funeral. Jack came into the house while we were all at the dinner table, picking at our food. It was the first time he had been over since the funeral and I had missed him terribly.

We all stared at him in shock as he sat down at his place and said, "Am I still welcome here?"

What was he thinking? Of course he was welcome here. In fact, I was planning to go hunt him down the next day. "What kept you away?" was what I ended up saying to him.

"I was worried you'd both kick me out on my butt," he replied, with a half grin. "I brought you something, though… I hope you don't mind." He then proceeded to reach down into the bag he had brought in with him and pulled out four small packages. I still remember the smile that came to my face as I saw his attempts at wrapping the packages. It's the thought that counts, I had to remind myself to keep from laughing.

"You don't have to buy your way back into our family," Colin told Jack. Have I mentioned that I dearly love my husband? "You will always be welcome here," he added.

"Actually, this is more of a gift to help you deal with your grief. Open it," he insisted.

We unwrapped the packages to find a blank journal in each of them. I couldn't hide the confusion I felt when I looked up at Jack. He stared back at me, seemingly trying to tell me something, but I just couldn't figure out what it was.

"When I first came here," he continued, "one of the counselors took me into her office and gave me one of those books. She told me that it may help me understand my grief and my feelings if I wrote to my parents, telling them about my day or whatever I wanted to tell them. I have to tell you that I was thinking she belonged in a funny farm somewhere, but later on I realized what she was telling me, and she was right. You can't keep your thoughts and feelings about Sean's death to yourselves, you have to let them go. Talk to each other about your anger and your grief, vent and cry and let go of the hatred and the guilt. Don't keep it to yourselves, you will only end up destroying yourselves or your relationships. Believe me, I know." With that, he sat back to wait for our reactions.

Colin's reaction wasn't quite what I'd expected. He laid his book down on the table, turned his attention to Jack and promptly started in on him. "Just what do you think you are doing?" he said, as his eyes showed his anger. "Who do you think you are coming in here and telling me how to cope? My son's dead. My son! You have no idea what that's like. To watch him grow, teach him how to ride a bike and to play basketball, only to have him snatched away on the whim of an idiot."

I don't know why I was surprised at Jack's expression. He looked like he had been hit with a sledge hammer, as he stared at the table, and I could swear he was fighting back tears. "Write that down in your book," Jack said, as his voice caught.

Colin on the other hand, looked as if he had committed a major crime. I was on the verge of getting up and hitting him myself when he spoke up, "Jack, oh God, Jack. I'm sorry. I know you've been through this before with your parents and your cousin, but… Jack, I'm sorry."

Jack pulled himself together and looked at Colin. "It's good you're getting this out. Talk about it, write about it or tell the dog about it, but get it out in the open."

"Tell the dog about it?" Kelly, my youngest daughter, asked as she giggled. My other daughter, Deidre, grinned at her sister then gave into her own giggles. Jack grinned at them both while shrugging his shoulders before turning to me. "What would you write about if you put that gift to use?" he asked me.

Nothing like putting me on the spot, I thought, as I struggled to find something to tell him. "Well, I don't know. I guess I could write about my … um… about missing him.."

"Are you angry with him?" he asked me as he stared deep into my eyes. I was shocked at first, wondering how he knew, only to remember that he had been through this before. "Tell him why you are mad at him," he said quietly.

I couldn't respond, I just looked at the book, already thinking of things I would put in it. I looked up at the boy we had taken into our hearts, and realized that we were all going to be okay. If Jack could survive the tragedies in his life, so could we.

The subject of my thoughts pops his head into the room, bringing me back to the present. "Hey Mrs. G," he says as he smiles at me. "I'm ready for my inspection, ma'am."

I laugh at him, knowing this is his way of teasing me about my insistence on mothering him. It's just something I like to do and I do it well. Jack, however, hated it at first, telling me that he didn't need me mothering him, he was doing quite well with his life. He finally gave in and let me have my way as we slowly became friends.

"I'll be there soon, Jack," I tell him, then I can't help but tease him as I add, "Did you wash behind your ears?"

I love it when he smiles at me like that. His whole face lights up. I'm going to miss him when he leaves to join the Air Force. He will be in the same city, attending the Air Force Academy on the other side of town, but I know that I won't see him as often as I am used to. I give him a smile as he turns and walks out the door.

He didn't stay away after Sean's death. In fact, he still came to dinner every night, telling me he went through withdrawals if he so much as missed one meal. He and Mike, Sean's other best friend, still came here after school to hang out, do their homework, play basketball or tease Sean's sisters unmercifully. It was comforting to have them here, to remind me of Sean and the way he used to laugh and joke with his friends.

I look back out the window toward the garden, wondering what I would have done without Jack and my family. Colin has been great, as I knew he would be. We spend a lot of time talking about Sean, remembering the good times, laughing at some memories and crying over others. We read each other's journals, with mine having a lot more entries than Colin's. We've survived this.

A smile comes to my lips as I see Kelly walking through the garden, looking for some flowers to pick. She takes after me when it comes to gardening. She loves being out there with me as we weed and dig and scratch around in the dirt, bringing the plants to life. Sean and Deidre always ran the other way when they saw me in my straw hat and holding my trowel. Not Kelly, though. She's off to look for her own hat.

I watch as she looks toward the house then laugh at something she has seen or heard. I know it's Jack that brought on that laughter. He and Kelly are close, almost as close as he was to Sean. Jack loves children, as Kelly's friends always want to hang out with him, and Kelly is no exception. She spends as much time with him as she can.

Then there are Deidre's friends. Brittany in particular chased after Jack shamelessly, practically throwing herself on him every chance she got. I tried to tell her that some men prefer to do the chasing and run the other way at full speed if they are the ones being chased, but she had to find out the hard way. She finally gave up, much to Jack's relief, a few months after Sean's death. Jack had been seeing a young woman who lived in his apartment building and Brittany decided that Mike was a better catch anyway.

I glance at the clock knowing that it will soon be time to leave for the ceremony. Jack is graduating from high school and the school is planning to honor Sean's memory during the ceremony, as he would have been a part of the graduating class had he lived. The grief this thought brings about flows through me and I close my eyes to keep the tears at bay.

My eyes pop open as I hear Mike's voice booming throughout the house as he yells for Jack. I've told him a thousand times that he doesn't have to yell like a madman, but he never listens to me. I can't stay mad at him for long, though. Jack had been a great influence on Sean and Mike, and Mike even picked up on the charm that Jack just seems to ooze when he is around me.

Jack is a charmer alright, but he is also filled with his own insecurities and issues that he refuses to talk about. He is such a private person. To this day, I still don't know a whole lot about his past. I've learned to accept him as he is, to pick up on the little bits and pieces he throws at me and try to understand what goes on in his mind to the best of my ability. I'm not sure why it's important to me that I learn everything I can about this mystery named Jack, but it is and I try to learn as much as I can without him knowing it.

I remember a nightmare he had while he was staying the night not long after he first started to come around. It scared Colin and I half to death when he started yelling in the middle of the night. I ran into the room where the boys were sleeping to find Sean and Mike sitting up in their sleeping bags, eyes wide and staring at Jack, who had crawled to a corner, curled up into a ball and was shaking for all that he was worth.

I went to him slowly, calling to him as softly as I could to get his attention. Something told me not to grab him, but I did reach out to gently touch his arm. He flinched and looked up at me with a look that broke my heart. I sat down next to him and pulled him into my arms, hugging him and murmuring softly to him, telling him everything was going to be all right. He hugged me back tightly, and I rubbed his back talking to him, calming him until he finally pulled away. "Sorry about that," he said awkwardly, "didn't mean to wake you up."

"It's okay, Jack. Don't worry about it. Do you want to talk about your dream?"

'Not really," he said, as he looked away. "I don't remember any of it."

"You said something about Iraqis," Mike told him, trying to be helpful.

It probably wasn't the best thing to say at that moment, as Jack shut his eyes tight and clenched his fists. He took a moment to calm himself, then looked at me as if nothing had happened. His expression showed nothing as to what he was thinking, he just smiled at me and gave me a hug before saying, "Thank you, Mrs. G. I'm glad you were here. I don't often get the chance to hug a beautiful woman when I have a bad dream."

Did I mention his charm?

Jack is a mystery alright. I've resigned myself to possibly never knowing who he really is. This is something I can live with, though.

"Karen?" I hear my husband calling me and I look toward the door expecting to see his face when he opens it. "It's almost time to go, honey. You ready?"

"Yes," I tell him as I hold up the package. "Do you think he'll like it?" I ask for what seems like the fortieth time.

"He'll love it," Colin tells me again. "Go give it to him already so we can get going," he says as he pulls me up off of my chair and pushes me toward the door. "Go on."

I smile at him as I leave to go off in search of my foster son. It's good that Jack has finally resigned himself to the fact that I think of him as my son. He is so independent, still insisting that he can take care of himself, that he doesn't need a mother figure. I know this, but he is firmly wedged in my heart and I can't help but love him as a son.

I finally find him in the kitchen with the 'gang'. They are all there, Mike, Kelly, Brittany, Claire, Deidre, Jack and Trisha, Kelly's best friend. I catch the tail end of a joke Deidre is telling and they all laugh at the punch line. It doesn't make any sense to me though, as I had missed the first part of the joke, but I still have to smile as Jack winks at me when he catches my eye.

"Jack, can we talk before we leave?" I ask him. He gives me a look that tells me he is just a little worried about what I will say, but still he nods and says, "Sure, let's go find someplace quiet, shall we?"

I lead the way out the back door and walk over to Sean's tree. The breeze picks up as we sit down on the lounge chairs set up next to it and I look over to see him staring at me expectantly.

I'm suddenly at a loss for words. He is so handsome, his young face a contradiction to the old man looking at me though his eyes. He has been through so much, his soul hardened by tragedies, and he acts so much wiser and more mature than his 18 years. I find the strength somehow to hand him the gift, knowing that I will lose him in a few weeks time when he goes off to join the Air Force. "I wanted to give this to you," I tell him softly, as I try to hold back my tears.

"What is it?" he asks, his eyes staring into mine, trying to determine the real reason for this talk.

"Open it," I urge as I hand the gift to him. He takes it and gives me a half grin as he unwraps the package. The grin disappears when he sees what the package holds. He turns the book over in hopes of finding a clue as to what it is.

"It's my journal," I tell him softly. He looks at me then, really looks at me, his eyes widening as he realizes the importance of my gift. He opens his mouth to say something, but closes it again, as he looks back down at the book.

"Your journal?" he finally asks, holding the book as if he were afraid he'd break it.

I reach over and put my hand on his, "Well actually, it's a copy. I have the original."

"A copy," he says, chuckling slightly. He looks up at me then and he is grinning at me again. At that moment, I can see why Brittany chased him all over Colorado Springs.

"I wanted you to know that the gift you gave me that night really helped. There was more to it than just the book, you had a major influence on helping Colin and I work through our grief, and I just wanted to give you something to let you know that we will always be your family, Jack. Always."

The grin is gone as he stares at me, wearing his emotions 'on his sleeve'. This is so unlike Jack that I am a little overwhelmed by it. I reach over and put my hand to his cheek, staring at the look of fierce loyalty in his eyes. We stare at each other for a few moments, before he reaches over and pulls me into a hug, holding me tightly. "You and your family have helped me more than you will ever know," he tells me as he hugs me even tighter. Letting me go, he looks down at the book in his hands. "I will keep this with me forever," he says with feeling and I know in my heart that he is telling me the truth.

* * *

**The Journal – Jack Gallagher's point of view**

The ceremony is going well. Sean's memorial has the whole auditorium in tears. I try to concentrate as the eulogies are given and the memories of others are exchanged, but I find myself lost in my own memories of overhearing a conspiracy just a few days before my best friend's death. I then have to concentrate on not letting my regrets pour over me. Regrets have been known to destroy me on occasion, so here I am, standing next to the Garretts trying to listen to the others talk, while fighting my own demons. My inner turmoil eases somewhat when Kelly grabs my hand and laces her small fingers through mine, giving me a sad smile when I look at her. I smile back at her and she rests her head on my arm as we continued to listen to the others, or in my case, pretend to listen to the others.

The memorial portion of the ceremony is over and I go over to join my classmates so that I can collect another diploma. I'm probably the only person in history who has two high school diplomas, but it's a necessary evil that I dealt with in order to regain my life. I am determined to earn my way back to Stargate Command, to the life I left behind.

We walk out of the auditorium into the bright sunshine. I don't know why, but I look back at the building that represents my 'teenage' years, a hurdle that I had to conquer in my quest to regain my former life. On the heels of that thought comes another thought that my English Lit teacher would have been so proud had she heard that. After she got over the shock, that is.

We all pile into the car to head over to Mike's house for his graduation party. I feel like the 18 year old that I look like when Mike and I swipe a few beers from his father's cooler and go to find someplace where we could drink it without getting into too much trouble. I can't help but think that it's a sad day when a 50 year old has to sneak a beer, but then my life hasn't always been happy. Oh great, here come those regrets again.

I'm glad when Deidre finds our hiding place and grabs the bottle out of my hand so that she can have some. I don't quite know who she thinks she is, but that's my beer she is guzzling and I grab it back a little forcibly, causing some beer to dribble down her chin. She laughs at me, then informs me that she will tell her mother if I don't let her have another drink. I will admit that she had me there for a minute, but then I come to my senses and inform her that I would have no qualms in telling on her. I have learned over the last few years that acting like a kid when I am around kids can be used to my advantage.

The party lasts into the evening and I enjoy myself, spending time with friends and family, knowing that I will soon be leaving them when I report for duty. I take some comfort in knowing that I won't be leaving them behind, as Mrs. G has made me promise that I will come to see her when I can get away from 'that place', as she calls it. Since the Academy is in the same city, I am positive that I can keep that promise; that is if I can stay out of trouble. Okay, so I may have to work a little harder at staying out of trouble, but Mrs. G's cooking should be a good incentive for me.

I hold onto that thought as I make my way home to my apartment. I head straight for my bedroom, taking the journal out of my pocket as I walk into the room. I throw the book on the bedside table, then sit down on the bed to take my shoes off. I look up to see my face in the dresser mirror - the younger version of my face. As I often do at times like this, I wonder what the older version of my face is doing right now. Is he off world? Is he in the process of bringing down an evil Goa'uld System Lord? Does he even think about me? I know the answer to the last question. He wouldn't think of me anymore than I thought about the 'robot O'Neill' when we left him on that planet to keep it going for eons. It was easier to just forget about him.

I know that the reason I dwell on my older counterpart is because I feel cheated, perhaps even a little envious that he is living my life, a life that I had finally felt comfortable with. I had to leave everything behind, including my friends, and that was the hardest. He is living that life, while I do everything all over again just to get back to the same place he is at right now. I grimace as I try to fight off the anger that is building in me, as it always does whenever I think of the injustice of it all.

I have new friends now, though, and I smile as I think about Mrs. G, my surrogate mother. She can be such a pain sometimes, but I have grown to love her as a friend, and I am able to forgive her for mothering me, a 50 year old Colonel. The fact that I am in an 18 year old body is just a technicality.

I pick up the book that I was given earlier today. A copy, she had said. The irony of it all is not lost on me, and I find myself smiling at the memory of her words.

I decide to wait until I am in bed before I read it, knowing full well that I am just stalling. I'm not sure I want to read through her grief stricken words, knowing that I would be reliving my own grief. I get up to dress for bed and brush my teeth before I finally work up the nerve to read it. I prop myself up on some pillows and open the book to the first page. The words are typed in neat little lines making it easier to read, I'm sure.

"Dear Sean, Jack gave me this journal telling me that I should write down my feelings and grief in an effort to get them out in the open. I'm not sure if this will work, but I'm willing to give anything a try if it will get rid of this awful weight in my chest. I want you back, Sean. Back here in my arms, laughing at me when I am scolding one of your friends, hugging me when I get frustrated with my sewing machine, or just smiling patiently at me when I start scolding you.

I need you here with me, to tell me it was all a dream, that those boys didn't snatch you away from me. Why did you have to go out and try to stop them, to try to help Jack? Why?? Why didn't I stop you from going out there? Oh God Sean, you would still be here with me if you hadn't taken it upon yourself to be a hero."

I stop reading at this point, my heart twisting as I remember my own anger at him, at myself. Grief has a funny way of turning things around, causing us to hate the very people we lose and want back more than life itself.

The words are a little blurry as I try to continue to read. I blink the tears from my eyes, scrubbing hard at them with my fist, then try again.

"I know deep down it's not your fault that you've been taken away from me, but I can't help it. You are my son, my eldest child. I remember when you were born. Your father couldn't be prouder. I couldn't be happier. We had a child, a beautiful son who would one day grow up to be a lawyer, or a doctor, or whatever he wanted to be. We could never have known that you would one day be snatched from our lives.

The pain in my heart weighs heavily on me, Sean. I have your father here to help me, as well as your sisters and Jack. I have come to love Jack as a son, Sean, although I think you knew this. I think he has decided that he is going to help us with our loss. Lord knows he's had his own share of loss throughout his young life. I realized his mission after he left for home tonight. He had come to dinner, giving us each a journal along with instructions on what to put in it. After dinner he stayed and played cards with your sisters, laughing and joking with them, forcing them to remember the funny things you had done in your life. I found myself laughing along with them when Deidre told him about the time you were chasing that pig on your Uncle Tim's farm, only to have the pig end up chasing you around."

This memory has me laughing and I have to put the book down as I lay there grinning at the ceiling. Deidre had reenacted the entire scene, waving her arms in the air mimicking Sean's flight as he chased the pig, then as he was being chased.

I finally go back to the book, reading all the way through it. Mrs. G had written in the journal throughout the months following Sean's death. She talked about her anger, her fears, her love for her family and for me. She wrote about her accomplishments and her dreams and goals for her children and for herself. I had a hard time reading the parts where she wrote about how I was her savior for helping her through her grief. I am always uncomfortable when people think I am so great, it makes me feel like such a fraud, because they don't know the real me. They don't know about the more horrible things I have done in my life while following orders. And Mrs. G will never know about those things, if I have anything to do with it. I'm not sure I could bear the thought of her disgust or her hating me if she knew. I have come to rely on her friendship and her love.

I reach over and pull open the drawer of the nightstand next to my bed, pulling out the cigar box I keep in there to hold all my most precious belongings. I have had one of these for as long as I can remember, keeping it in my locker or my duffel bag. My 'other' box held pictures of Charlie, Sara and old squadron buddies, along with assorted other mementos collected over a lifetime, including a few medals I had won. This box is empty save for a picture of the 'gang,' as Mrs. G likes to call her children and their friends. It had been taken a few months before Sean died and I know that I will cherish that picture for a long time. I look at the picture one last time before putting it back in the box, then placing the journal in with it. I'm glad to find that it fits, if just barely. I think Mrs. G knew it would have to be small for me to take it with me.

I close my eyes as I lay back on my bed. I now know why she gave me the journal. It was the best way to tell me of her feelings for me. She is my friend, as close to me as Sam, Daniel and Teal'c had been, and I know that she will always be a part of my family, just as they had been. I smile as I realize that I hadn't given up everything when I was forced to leave my old life behind, I still have my memories. And I am comforted by the thought that I have something O'Neill doesn't – a new family.


End file.
